Somewhere at the onset of my 40th birthday around November 2018, I sat to quietly evaluate my life. I considered where I was at, what I had been up to in the years leading to this big milestone & what changes needed to be made in my life. It had become a norm of mine to quietly reflect on each birthday even for a few minutes just to gauge things.
However, At this particular point in time, the need to evaluate came as a matter of ‘urgency’ and seemed more necessary than ever before. I was edgy and I was in pain. For some time now I had known that something in my life was amiss. I had observed in the previous years how the light of my soul seemed to be dwindling year after year, month after month, and day after day, and how I had brushed it off as ‘ just life’s challenges’ until now.
What was wrong? I mean what was really wrong? Because from the external look of things, things were indeed ‘normal’. It seemed from the outside that I was doing more than just fine, yet inside I felt like my soul was seriously crushing, even though I appeared to be doing better than what most people would call average. I was working as a senior manager at a big corporation, earning a fairly good enough salary to pay my bills and support my family. I was living an upper-middle-class lifestyle. One could argue that I was indeed doing more than okay from the outside perspective, yet here I was feeling like my life had become somewhat meaningless, somewhat stale, redundant, devoid of growth & excitement. I was stuck in some endless life-zapping routine.
I must say that this was not a sudden feeling or observation. I had begun feeling like this a few years before, albeit on a lighter scale, but ignored it because I had hoped that things would get better as time passed. It is in our nature as humans to always hope things will get better with time. So, I had dismissively assumed that everything that was causing me pain in my life was external circumstances & situations, which if resolved my life would magically feel better. Well, time passed, months & weeks went by & things got worse & worse. The intensity of the pain I felt compounded with each day that passed.
As I was evaluating my life and what had become of it over the years, I asked myself how did my life become so meaningless. How did I allow myself to get so stuck in the same rut and routine over & over & over again?
Previously in my younger years, I was always full of hope, and anticipation and I felt like I was growing and learning. I was always looking forward to something great happening in my life. But now I had begun to feel such disgruntlement at life because I felt like up to this point in my life I had done everything I had been taught or advised to do. In fact, at a macro level, I had done everything to live the best life; I had gone to school & completed my degree with flying colors; I had gotten a steady job & worked my way up the corporate ladder & earned a good living; I had met the love of my life married him and had two amazing girls; I was living in a beautiful home at a decent suburb & was driving a pretty decent car; I could afford to go for a drink with my girls at a decent restaurant any day of the week or whenever I wanted and hey…. I mean at a macro level I should be happy, right? Because this was the promise; Go to school, get good grades, get a job, find a husband, make two babies & live happily ever after. Does that sound familiar to you?
Yet here I was miserable & desperate as hell. However, the intensity of this pain did not present itself as immensely in other areas of my life as it did in my job. At this point in my life, I hated my job so much that waking up every day to go to that job was killing me. How it turned out that I had not developed HBP or some kind of psychosis is only grace. It was not so much the actual job itself that I disliked per se but the toxicity of the environment which I felt was sucking the life out of me.
Anyway, of course, I had considered getting another job at some point but it felt almost improbable because I had been in that job for many years, and what I did is what I had known how to do for years. So, I somewhat felt like my chances were slim to none & changing careers did not feel appealing either. Why? Because ultimately it was not about the job or the environment either. You will come to know why I say that later.😊
At first, it did feel like my work environment was the core cause of the pain I felt. I felt uninspired by it, uninspired by my leaders, uninspired by what the work conditions had evolved into over the years. Over time it took a huge amount of energy for me to get up and go to that job. Most days I would cry myself to a pulp because I felt I did not have any other options. I felt stuck because ‘this 8-5 was the only way I had known how to exist’ and for the most part, I had defined myself by it.
I sat there thinking about my options, and quite honestly I didn’t see any other possibility to get myself out of the rut. I was not about to just quit my job because I had financial commitments; a mortgage, bills, private school tuition, etc.
And so in my hopelessness & utter desperation, I did what most of us do when we are in some serious deep shit in our lives. I knelt and prayed. I said ‘God please, please, please show me the way out of this mess & I would do everything & I mean everything in my power to get out of it’.
Look, I had prayed before in my life. I considered myself spiritual. I had read many spiritual books that had expanded my awareness of the Divine and, all in all, my standing with God was good even though I only talked to him now and then before; either when I was in trouble like I was now or when something magical and miraculous had happened in my life which I attributed to his doing and I felt grateful. I wasn’t a churchgoer and my relationship with God was sort of ‘on and off’ so to speak.
But never and I mean NEVER in my life had I prayed before with such intense conviction. I was literally in tears begging God to show me a way to freedom because I was a slave.
In my prayer, I promised God & myself that if God gave me the solutions I would work my way out of the mess I found myself in. I intentionally made a decision and a determination that 2019 was going to be a year of CHANGE for me and that I was going to do and be everything that God wanted me to be to elevate my life.
And so my personal and spiritual transformation journey began in earnest….and oh my heart…it evolved into something….I mean nothing like I had ever imagined, in my wildest dreams…